Change

Everyone changes, changes their likes and their dislikes, their favorite colors the way they wear their hair. change can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. change can be hard like moving to a different school can be hard. Change happens all around you. But if you noice it or not is a different story. Change can hurt, but it can also help. Change is something you grow used to, until it changes again and then you wonder what happen to you, to everything. Like anyother thing it has it's ups and downs. Everyone changes at some point in their lives. But if you don't change along with them then what? Change is apart of what makes life well life , it goes and it comes. Change is not something you can get used to because it keeps happening, and it never goes away. It can bring friendships to together to only later tar them apart.

what if?

What if you would fly? what if people dint jugde you, about your clothes or how old you were?

what if the world was perfect no pollution no hurting no fear no war no hunger or poverty?

what if their was no worries? what if you could have all the money in the world or be poor but be happy, happy for what you have.

what if you dint have to hurt to feel? what if you could be free? whatif their was no war?

 what if you were best friends? what if you were you?


their are alot of worlds that start with what if. what if? you come a cross a broken world and you say what if this world was not broken? 
what if??


its just a word it cant fix anything. it can only make you feel like the world is okay. that everything is okay. what if.... its nothing more nothing less just a simple word.

In this strange tangle of love
I'm learning how to see
In this weird change of space
I"m learning to believe in this life
I'm living, I feel you helping me



If I were a monster
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak would you stare?
If I were a leper
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost,
Would you help me get free?



Time and space are closing in
And their turning me weak
You and me are making friends
Just learning how to be
I learn from you and
You're watching me
This is the way to be



This is real, this is now
I don't wanna go, I hold on
You let go, will I ever know?

some of the things summer brings

summer

you know how you love something so much that you never wan it to end? well summer is that thing that i never want to end. i want it to go on and on like a story book. but thats not the way it works it has to end like a story begins and it ends. i have learned so much and made so many friends.  i asked god to make this summer differnt, a summer i would never forget and i will not forget this summer. i have bin to so man places and done so many things. and now that school is about to start i dont want it to be over, i dont want to have to get up early and have to do work for 6 fors. but thats just the way it is i guess... the summer has to end and school has to start but that doesnt mean i have to forget all the memmeries along with it.

where has life gone??

it seems like just yesterday that i was a kid a simple kid that dint have a care in the world. dint know how hard life really is and how it breaks you down and then it make you think and feel and sometimes feeling hurts, but if you dont ever hurt you dont know what it is like to feel, or to love. a kid that dint have to go to school because she was homeschool. who dint ever really do any school work who shared all her stuff with you and dint care about immpressing anyonw who was happy with what she had. who gave her money away like it grew off trees. who had friends that were good friends she dint have many but it was anuff for her.

and then she went off to school  because she her mom dint know how to teach her becuase she got tot a differnt way and her mom was tired of her throwing her books and the ground and saying i dont get it!!!
s off to school she went not knowing how to spell that much or read. i remember the first day of thrid grade i thought it was soo good and fun but then i started to get homework and go into math and i dint know what to do anymore i dint know how to spell.

 i remember at pictures they asked me how to spell my last name and i dint know how to spell it. and so a teacher took me aside and said we will have to work on that. and so i remember practicing it over and over. i hated it! so much. math was like the same i dint know my times tables. so i had to learn all of that and all the other kids knew the times talbes. i remember getting teased cause i dint know my time tables. i remember thinknig that i would never learn and i remember crying and praying and asknig gos why he had made me like this and why he couldent have made me like eveyone else.
it felt like i would never learn. but i did it look alot of timr but over the years i learned how to read and write and do math. i wasent good at it but i got by. when your parents but you in a school and leave you for 6 hours you learn. you learn that you cant do everything like you thought you could like when you where little you learn that life will throw alot of stuff at you and you have to know how to take it. you learn that you are not perfect and that no one is. you learn that life is so hard and it sucks but that it is wonderful and amazing too.

i am gonig into 8th grade this year and i dint think i am ready i dont think anyone is, i dint think anyone is ready for how hard life is. but they go and live it. i still suck at math! i barly made but i did brucase i tryed and that is wearth something. i am soo good at reading! but not math math is so hard! everyone else is like oh yeah i get it anf im like hahah yeah sure. i know i can do it if i learnand practice and get better at it. but i still sometimes wonder and think why did god make me this way. i know there is a good reason but i dont know it.

 today i was thinking and i thought what happened to those good day when i was a kid a pimple kid. and you know i donr know what happed to those day... i want them to come back i feel like i have bin wanting to be older and get more stuff but know .what i am older and have more stuff i relize that i just want to go back and redo when i was younger so i could have injoyed being young and having know cares. i was so intent on being oder that i missed what really mattered and what was impartant to me.

today i was at walmart with my mom and sisters and i was getting stuff for my birthday party i will be 14 on the 21 anyways. i was at the store and my mom asked me what i wanted for my theme and i said i dont know and then i said well i was thinking gift bags and stuf like every year and then i said but i always have that and she said well what do you want then and i said well i dont know. and right then i thought it my head i have no idea what i want cause i dont know who i am. and its true i know know who i am i know who i want to be but not who i am. And i wanted to just start crying right there and then i wanted to carwl up in a ball and never come out and i alomst did start crying but i dint. i think i still want to be a kid beucase when i was a kid i wanted to be older but  i dont anymore. i guess. anyways i was doing domething and my sister said something and then swhe said like thats what little kids would do. or something like that. and you know i dont know.

yes.. i still do watch sort of little kid shows like winnie the pooh. and yes i still like winnie the pooh. but that ok.  and you know i dont really know what i want at all and i dont know who i am. i wish i did i really do i wish i could say that i read the bible every day but that would be a lie. i also am  falling away from god and i dont want to dso that at all but somehow i am. i think i can just do it later but i never do. and you know i should. i should.. i wish i could say that i am going to always be a happy person and that i know who i am but i dont and i wsih i did but i dont. but i know one thing that i am going to be ok no matter what no matter what happened i know what i HAVE to be ok beucase i know what thats what i am soposed to do. i dont really know where life was gone but it has gone so i have to enjoy the time i have the presis time of summer left the time that you have.

laugh when you can
apologize when you should
and let go of what you cant change
play hard, forgive quickly.
take chances, give evrything and have
NO regrets
life is to short too
short to be
Anything

but Happy

to caught up

 i am to caught up in other things that i dont really have time for whats important


like yesterday, my sister just got back from 7 weeks in europe on a missions trip and when she came back she was talking to us and saying like how she had learn that she really isnt needed and that god wants her to be here.
 but she isnt needed here. i dint really get what she was saying and i still dont but i get some of it. 


 and yesterday when i was about to go to bed.
 i thought about it and i thought about how i am like always hanging out with friend and watching tv that i really dont spend any time with god like praying with him or making him first in my life. like he should be.
 i have bin making everything else in my life be  more important then him like friends, tv and other stuff. and i relized that i have bin doing that alot to him,
 and you know i do have time that i can pray with him and read the bible but i dont. and you know why that is??


 its because i just dont want to i say i will do it later i will have time later but you know what if something happened to me.
 i would have wished i would have done that instead of doing other stuff. and i was thinknig that i dont really go to my family for stuff anymore i dont go talk to them much as i used too.
 i dont just hang out with my younger sister and take her to the park. i feel like i have drifted from my family  and i know in a way i have.




My Friends
i hang out with them so much and i hang out with like the same friends anf like yes friends are so amazing and good to have but if you put them before god.
  then god is just another thing you will get to later.
  and thats not right that not how it should be.
 

the missions trip to rapid city was so aswsome.
 i cryed thhe last day we were there when we got our feet washed and at that moment i reilized that on that trip i was not myself and i was to busy trying to fix my hair or get someone attention that i dint really know anymore.
 i dint know who i was. and i knew that was not me that that moment and my eyes where open to everything that i had missed.
 all the little things that no one really looked that because they were to busy. and i felt so bad becuase i knew i was one of those poeple who just looked at the big things and not the little things. 
 i still dont really know who i am.. but i got a idea of who i am saposed to be from the missions trip.


i cant really say that i know who i am or what i want to be or what i am doing here. but i can say that  i am here for a reason and last night i figured out what my sister was saying. i dont know why but i know i am here because god wants me to be here not beucase i need to be but because he wants me to be here. i still dont know who i am i wish i did but i dont. all i know is that i am here beucase god has a plan and a purpuse for me.

missions trip

The missions trip was... it was amazing and epic. i will never forget that. the first day we got there we were really exited and nurevous but then we just got used to it. we had so much free time and we would take lots and lots of pictures the car ride was wow sweet we all like were singing and dancing and playing Kesha i still have her dongs stuck in my head. i met alot of new friends and got tot know my friends better. clud was so much fun the first day i hit a bad note and me and bekah just started laughing and we could not stop. the missions work was really fun to we worked at a thift store sorting clothes and we went to a hard wear store and helped theere we also went to a nurseing home and played cards with the people there. on the second to last day we got our feel washed, it was so... we all started crying and it was so good to cry for once in a long time. we went to mount rushmore! and saw a Indean dance witch we jonded in on. when we had to go it was very very sad! we like almost started crying and it was very hard to go. it felt like we had just got there by the end of the week and we had just started helping people and getiing to know god and ourselves better. i will never ever forget that place or my friends or what i have learned there. at clud mari talked to us about alot of stuff homeless peoplr bible verses and all of it i got and i acually unbderstud and got what it ment. it was so unforgetible and live changeing.

running

i went running yesterday with my dog buster. it was really good to go because i havent gone runnig in like forever and i love to run. it gives me something to do and it gives me time to think and just relax and not have to worry about anything. we ran around our lake. well we dint run the whole time cause my dog when i jogged i was like pulling him, so we walked some and once he sat down and dint want to move so i picked him up and walked with him.

Im sitting here watching the kim possible on the tv, i havent seen that show in a lnog time. i am tired and i can barly think. i have to leave today, its 1:33 am. right know. you ask my why i am staying up?? beucase i have to get up anyway at 2:30 and its so hard for me to get up anyway so i am staying up.so i am writting to keep myself  awake i have had a great week in california we went to santa monica peir and we swam in uncle stan and anutie annette's pool. we went to disneyland with the Acuna's we also went to huntington beach and we met our friends there.we had a donefire and ate marshmellows. we went shopping at the brea mall.And had this really really good frozen yogert at this place called pinkberry! :) well we were at santa montica peir we went on a farice wheel, well we where on it there was an earthquake we where all freaking out and we were like at the very top of the farice wheel for like 10 minutes. they had to go and make sure that everything was alright underneth the ride. we finally got down from the farice wheel, and everything went back to how it was.
we saw toy story 3 and it was such a good funny movie.

dreams

i dont wanna wake up anymore becuase when i wake up i know that i have to leave. leave my dream

and come down to earth. dreams aren't just dreams they are a way to get out of the "real world", and to enter  a totaly different world, a fantasy world were you know you are going to be alright and a word where all your tears and frusteration just melts away like hunny, but i know i can't stay in my world forever and that i have to wake up and face the truth about everying.And its so easy to get lost in my dreams that i dont really know how hard the really world is til you live it, and find out that your dreams are way better........ until you have a wake up and face the truth you live in a real world and one day when you wake up its not gonig to be what you thought it was, and thats when you relize even if you are not ok you will be, and that no matter what you know you are loved.

choices

the human life is made up of choices, yes or no in or out, up or down.
And then there are the choices that matter to love or to hate,to be a hero or a coward.
to fight or to give in. to live or to die. live is made up of choices, live or die, thats the impartant choice.
and its not always in our hands.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
 I fell down



I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now



I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry



I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

lies

the sun its make you happy for once. once in a long time it makes you smile, and you start to think about everything, everything that you have done wrong everything that you dont know what to do about. I know that I have bin hidding in my shell and trying to act like everthing is ok and act that my life is fine, and that I am perfectly happy, but I have relized that I am not happy and I know that I have bin lieing to myself, for so long that I have just started beliveing  myself, but in my heart i know I am wrong.  I was trying to procted myself by acting like I am ok, but you know I relized that  by lieing to myself I was hurting myself way more than I  was acualy proteting myself. I have dug  myself a hole so big that I can't even get out of it. But you know what I have learn?? i  have learn that you cant lie to yourself because it hurts you more that it hepls you. and you can't keep doing that because you cant lie to yourself forever
I have bin hanging out with people that aren't so good, and they have rubbed off on me,and school is just the same you have to
be careful of who you chose as friends. or it could end up in a mess like it usealy does at my school.there is so much drama and so much of everthing, its like people dont have to be that way but they chose to be. bacause everyone has a choice.

  now Iam sort of going on and on but thats ok. you always have a chocie in life good or bad you have one. my friends have helped me though everything, anf like once I had a friend sense like 5th grade who went to my church and so ingored for 2 mouths. 
she was my best friend but she is not my best friend now, beucase of her CHOICE of not talking to me. thats like the worste thing you can do to someone is not talk to them! I know I have change and I know I could have done things better and changed things.
 but you cant. I thought I was alone, but know I  know I am not, I will NEVER be.Beucause I have god.  for a time i thought he was gone, but he was never really gone I was just not looking for him hard anuff.  you have to try to want something you cant just expext you to get it, you have to work ofr it, you have to try, And I think people forget to try and forget that they have a chice in life a choice to hang out with the "cool" people or hang out  with someone new.
To not swaer or to swear. I know that their is going to be hard times in my life and I know I might make the wrong choice but thats how you learn, and I am tired of living a lie. I just want to wake up and start living and not covering up what i am feeling.I am so tiredof trying to hide and I just cant do it anymore. I will not do I anymore, not more lies not more fears. Because i know i will be ok and i will that I can wake up in the morning and not have a lie. I can be myself. I can start LIVING my life. my REAL life!

Tears

Tears of pain, tears of hurt, tears of anger. she runs alone her breathe comes in drags. tears running down her checks tell they drop to the ground. she runs because its the only way to get out, out of all this fighting out of all this mess.Tears plur her vison, she blinks, they slide down her face and fall, never seeming to stop, until they smash into the ground and become no more.
fast and faster she runs, she can hear her haert pounding,but shs donsen't stop instead she keeps running.  her feet gide her down allies and into muddie roads, the rain poring onto her skin, her clothes cling to her like a baby, damp and muddie. she runs she doesen't know were she is gonig or who she had become. she runs alone tears streaming down her face. she is alone to this world and everthing in it. she runs faster and faster, and ever looks back tears running down her face. her eyes red from crying. she turns and see's the city she's never known. she runs and never returns

be happy for this momment
this momment is your life

all over

just when you think its all over.
it all comes back to you,
and you remember......

some saysing i like

"He held her hand as her heart was breaking.
"Dream as if you will forver, Life as if you will die tomorrow.
"Dont be scared to do the impossible.
"A trip of a thousande miles starts with a step.
"If you can drean it you can do it.