lies

the sun its make you happy for once. once in a long time it makes you smile, and you start to think about everything, everything that you have done wrong everything that you dont know what to do about. I know that I have bin hidding in my shell and trying to act like everthing is ok and act that my life is fine, and that I am perfectly happy, but I have relized that I am not happy and I know that I have bin lieing to myself, for so long that I have just started beliveing  myself, but in my heart i know I am wrong.  I was trying to procted myself by acting like I am ok, but you know I relized that  by lieing to myself I was hurting myself way more than I  was acualy proteting myself. I have dug  myself a hole so big that I can't even get out of it. But you know what I have learn?? i  have learn that you cant lie to yourself because it hurts you more that it hepls you. and you can't keep doing that because you cant lie to yourself forever
I have bin hanging out with people that aren't so good, and they have rubbed off on me,and school is just the same you have to
be careful of who you chose as friends. or it could end up in a mess like it usealy does at my school.there is so much drama and so much of everthing, its like people dont have to be that way but they chose to be. bacause everyone has a choice.

  now Iam sort of going on and on but thats ok. you always have a chocie in life good or bad you have one. my friends have helped me though everything, anf like once I had a friend sense like 5th grade who went to my church and so ingored for 2 mouths. 
she was my best friend but she is not my best friend now, beucase of her CHOICE of not talking to me. thats like the worste thing you can do to someone is not talk to them! I know I have change and I know I could have done things better and changed things.
 but you cant. I thought I was alone, but know I  know I am not, I will NEVER be.Beucause I have god.  for a time i thought he was gone, but he was never really gone I was just not looking for him hard anuff.  you have to try to want something you cant just expext you to get it, you have to work ofr it, you have to try, And I think people forget to try and forget that they have a chice in life a choice to hang out with the "cool" people or hang out  with someone new.
To not swaer or to swear. I know that their is going to be hard times in my life and I know I might make the wrong choice but thats how you learn, and I am tired of living a lie. I just want to wake up and start living and not covering up what i am feeling.I am so tiredof trying to hide and I just cant do it anymore. I will not do I anymore, not more lies not more fears. Because i know i will be ok and i will that I can wake up in the morning and not have a lie. I can be myself. I can start LIVING my life. my REAL life!