some of the things summer brings

summer

you know how you love something so much that you never wan it to end? well summer is that thing that i never want to end. i want it to go on and on like a story book. but thats not the way it works it has to end like a story begins and it ends. i have learned so much and made so many friends.  i asked god to make this summer differnt, a summer i would never forget and i will not forget this summer. i have bin to so man places and done so many things. and now that school is about to start i dont want it to be over, i dont want to have to get up early and have to do work for 6 fors. but thats just the way it is i guess... the summer has to end and school has to start but that doesnt mean i have to forget all the memmeries along with it.

where has life gone??

it seems like just yesterday that i was a kid a simple kid that dint have a care in the world. dint know how hard life really is and how it breaks you down and then it make you think and feel and sometimes feeling hurts, but if you dont ever hurt you dont know what it is like to feel, or to love. a kid that dint have to go to school because she was homeschool. who dint ever really do any school work who shared all her stuff with you and dint care about immpressing anyonw who was happy with what she had. who gave her money away like it grew off trees. who had friends that were good friends she dint have many but it was anuff for her.

and then she went off to school  because she her mom dint know how to teach her becuase she got tot a differnt way and her mom was tired of her throwing her books and the ground and saying i dont get it!!!
s off to school she went not knowing how to spell that much or read. i remember the first day of thrid grade i thought it was soo good and fun but then i started to get homework and go into math and i dint know what to do anymore i dint know how to spell.

 i remember at pictures they asked me how to spell my last name and i dint know how to spell it. and so a teacher took me aside and said we will have to work on that. and so i remember practicing it over and over. i hated it! so much. math was like the same i dint know my times tables. so i had to learn all of that and all the other kids knew the times talbes. i remember getting teased cause i dint know my time tables. i remember thinknig that i would never learn and i remember crying and praying and asknig gos why he had made me like this and why he couldent have made me like eveyone else.
it felt like i would never learn. but i did it look alot of timr but over the years i learned how to read and write and do math. i wasent good at it but i got by. when your parents but you in a school and leave you for 6 hours you learn. you learn that you cant do everything like you thought you could like when you where little you learn that life will throw alot of stuff at you and you have to know how to take it. you learn that you are not perfect and that no one is. you learn that life is so hard and it sucks but that it is wonderful and amazing too.

i am gonig into 8th grade this year and i dint think i am ready i dont think anyone is, i dint think anyone is ready for how hard life is. but they go and live it. i still suck at math! i barly made but i did brucase i tryed and that is wearth something. i am soo good at reading! but not math math is so hard! everyone else is like oh yeah i get it anf im like hahah yeah sure. i know i can do it if i learnand practice and get better at it. but i still sometimes wonder and think why did god make me this way. i know there is a good reason but i dont know it.

 today i was thinking and i thought what happened to those good day when i was a kid a pimple kid. and you know i donr know what happed to those day... i want them to come back i feel like i have bin wanting to be older and get more stuff but know .what i am older and have more stuff i relize that i just want to go back and redo when i was younger so i could have injoyed being young and having know cares. i was so intent on being oder that i missed what really mattered and what was impartant to me.

today i was at walmart with my mom and sisters and i was getting stuff for my birthday party i will be 14 on the 21 anyways. i was at the store and my mom asked me what i wanted for my theme and i said i dont know and then i said well i was thinking gift bags and stuf like every year and then i said but i always have that and she said well what do you want then and i said well i dont know. and right then i thought it my head i have no idea what i want cause i dont know who i am. and its true i know know who i am i know who i want to be but not who i am. And i wanted to just start crying right there and then i wanted to carwl up in a ball and never come out and i alomst did start crying but i dint. i think i still want to be a kid beucase when i was a kid i wanted to be older but  i dont anymore. i guess. anyways i was doing domething and my sister said something and then swhe said like thats what little kids would do. or something like that. and you know i dont know.

yes.. i still do watch sort of little kid shows like winnie the pooh. and yes i still like winnie the pooh. but that ok.  and you know i dont really know what i want at all and i dont know who i am. i wish i did i really do i wish i could say that i read the bible every day but that would be a lie. i also am  falling away from god and i dont want to dso that at all but somehow i am. i think i can just do it later but i never do. and you know i should. i should.. i wish i could say that i am going to always be a happy person and that i know who i am but i dont and i wsih i did but i dont. but i know one thing that i am going to be ok no matter what no matter what happened i know what i HAVE to be ok beucase i know what thats what i am soposed to do. i dont really know where life was gone but it has gone so i have to enjoy the time i have the presis time of summer left the time that you have.

laugh when you can
apologize when you should
and let go of what you cant change
play hard, forgive quickly.
take chances, give evrything and have
NO regrets
life is to short too
short to be
Anything

but Happy

to caught up

 i am to caught up in other things that i dont really have time for whats important


like yesterday, my sister just got back from 7 weeks in europe on a missions trip and when she came back she was talking to us and saying like how she had learn that she really isnt needed and that god wants her to be here.
 but she isnt needed here. i dint really get what she was saying and i still dont but i get some of it. 


 and yesterday when i was about to go to bed.
 i thought about it and i thought about how i am like always hanging out with friend and watching tv that i really dont spend any time with god like praying with him or making him first in my life. like he should be.
 i have bin making everything else in my life be  more important then him like friends, tv and other stuff. and i relized that i have bin doing that alot to him,
 and you know i do have time that i can pray with him and read the bible but i dont. and you know why that is??


 its because i just dont want to i say i will do it later i will have time later but you know what if something happened to me.
 i would have wished i would have done that instead of doing other stuff. and i was thinknig that i dont really go to my family for stuff anymore i dont go talk to them much as i used too.
 i dont just hang out with my younger sister and take her to the park. i feel like i have drifted from my family  and i know in a way i have.




My Friends
i hang out with them so much and i hang out with like the same friends anf like yes friends are so amazing and good to have but if you put them before god.
  then god is just another thing you will get to later.
  and thats not right that not how it should be.
 

the missions trip to rapid city was so aswsome.
 i cryed thhe last day we were there when we got our feet washed and at that moment i reilized that on that trip i was not myself and i was to busy trying to fix my hair or get someone attention that i dint really know anymore.
 i dint know who i was. and i knew that was not me that that moment and my eyes where open to everything that i had missed.
 all the little things that no one really looked that because they were to busy. and i felt so bad becuase i knew i was one of those poeple who just looked at the big things and not the little things. 
 i still dont really know who i am.. but i got a idea of who i am saposed to be from the missions trip.


i cant really say that i know who i am or what i want to be or what i am doing here. but i can say that  i am here for a reason and last night i figured out what my sister was saying. i dont know why but i know i am here because god wants me to be here not beucase i need to be but because he wants me to be here. i still dont know who i am i wish i did but i dont. all i know is that i am here beucase god has a plan and a purpuse for me.